Post by Kagamine Rose on Nov 21, 2011 19:03:15 GMT -5
Envy is such a horrid thing, yet I envy that girl. I envy her because. Because she stole the one I loved away from me. Both of the ones I loved. That girl's name is Sanae. I hate her. That's why she isn't here anymore.
My desire to be his one and only have been shattered by the chains of fate, fore his heart belongs to another. My desire to be her best friend for all enternity, was a dream ripped to shreds by the man I call father. Please let me say this one thing, that everything will go according to my plan, cause everything will be painted red and all the things I desire will finally be mine...all mine to keep forever, and ever
((THESE ARE MY HORRIBLE DRAFTS...I AM NOT DONE BUT YOU CAN GRADE THIS IF YOU WANT! ))
Now Listen to Fear Garden while looking at this... XP
Hm... You should work on some structure for no only the song, but for the 'story'. Yes, it's allowed to be vague and leave much to imagination--it's a song. But, every story needs at least rising action and a climax, and then if there's not falling action, a conclusion. A beginning, middle, and end.
Also, try using a thesaurus to use more poetic language. Try to be less obvious and leave more for the reader (or listener) to ponder about. The reader needs to be thinking about the messages when it's over.