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Post by Kagamine Rose on Dec 12, 2011 12:16:35 GMT -5
Soft sounds of shoes were echoing all throughout the deserted building. Cold air swept through the building like a wild fire, sending chills down the one person who chose to be there that Saturday evening. Small frame, blood colored eyes, pale skin, and ebony-colored hair. Plain. I am plain. Too plain to be liked.Those were just some thoughts of the only person inside the Concert Hall. Her mind was a big blur. Who would have thought that a usually cheery person like she, could have such blurred thoughts. That's the problem. No one would have guessed, they wouldn't care. Most of her friends, were starting to ignore her and get on with their lives. What did she mean to them anyway. Nothing. Of course a plain girl like me would mean nothing in the bland eyes of them. Why did I even hope?More thoughts, what were they supposed to mean? Of course the answer was obvious. Maybe too clear to be seen by the naked eyes of those. Who would care anyway. Absolutely no one. She means nothing to them now, so why should she try now? She has no reason to. Whose thoughts are these you might ask. Well, these thoughts are owned by the one and only Ryu Hanuna. How can she think these thoughts? You see under that cheerful mask is a girl, a lonely girl. But how can she be lonely with all these buddies you inquire. Easy as pi. Look here this girl's amigos are as you may say not really her comrades, comtemplate the absence of her allies. She did ask to hang out, some didn't pick up the phone others were as you say, busy. But that's not the point is it? The question is, why didn't she just bother them? She's in this Concert Hall all alone, but she could have chased after them like she always did. My guess is that she finally noticed how rude it was or she was afraid they would hate or dislike her even more. What did I do? Am I too plain? Or just annoying. I figure both.More thoughts. How horrid, her tone is sorrowful. Tragic eh? Soon the sound of ancient double doors opening filled the Halls. More footsteps, then a creak, and finally silence. What happened you ask? Well deary, Ryu walked in one of the rooms, and climbed on the stage. How obvious is that? Excuse my sarcasm but, this isn't about your petty questions it's about her thoughts, and by her I mean Ryu of course. What shall I sing this evening? Something sad of course, because I don't think I can act cheerful enough for a happy song.The mind is a complex thing, don't you think? ______________________________________________ ___________________________________ ____________________________ I wrote this because I have noticed that none of you are happy with Ryu. I am seriously sorry for my mary-sue ness, even Haku is upset with Ryu. All of you are upset with her. Oh and while typing this I read Dzetsu's Grammar and Sotry wrting thing, are there any Comma splices my dear?
I also wrote this because some of you don't like my wrting style, and I'm not clear enough for you all. I sincerely apologize for my immaturity and writing style, more importantly about Ryu's character.
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Post by ★D3su-Face★ on Dec 12, 2011 15:26:11 GMT -5
[[I must say, your writing is wonderful with this. It's long, and written quite nicely. But... it still doesn't fix your character. It makes her seem a bit more.. uh... emo? Not to be rude, but 90% of every character on this site has payed a shit-ton of attention to Ryu. She's pretty much like.. the main character of every roleplay, so everybody has a chance to become friends with her. I mean /every/ body. She has pleanty of friends. Shoot, she has more friends than I do in real life. Making her sad about that just makes her seem selfish and uninterested in her amazing pals. Also; the overusage of "My dear" and "Dearie" makes you/your character seem like an old woman. Dont use it unless you're talking to a child. It's very mean. :Y
But other than that, I like your character, and your writing. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that you join every RP and wait 4 days to reply. Which you've only been doing recently. And the fact that most of them are centered only on Ryu...;; But i'm not really concerned about that. Your character is a bit of a 'Mary sue' but it's nothing that cannot be fixed. You just have to put yourself into her shoes, and think about how she feels, and how you would feel also. Oh and plus; it's US that are worried about her, not our characters. So. She has nothing to feel bad about.
And think about the stuff that could actually happen. yeah.
; u; sorry...if i uh...am not.. helping. or something. blah. -/cowers away. ]]
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Post by Kagamine Rose on Dec 12, 2011 17:39:11 GMT -5
[ Oh it's quite alright...I know, this is how I always fix my characters and writing...as you read on to my future posts you can see change in her character...I'm just going to let the real Ryu take over now...C": Also Thanks...C:]
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Post by ai-shi-te on Dec 12, 2011 20:14:40 GMT -5
(Okay, you might take this as being mean to you or disliking you or whatever, but I really have to confront this and tell you that I hope that you're not going to turn this thread into your own little self pity party.
Especially that section below, I find it offensive, and the part about Dzetsu, I feel offended for her. And by the way, spelling error. <3 "Oh and while typing this I read Dzetsu's Grammar and Sotry wrting thing, are there any Comma splices my dear? " And Darling, "She means nothing to them now, so why should she try now?" You don't need to repeat yourself. <3 Seriously, you're undermining our benevolence and patience, especially how you feel offended when we're trying to constructively criticize you. You want to use big words or words you most likely don't even know the meanings of unless you go and "google" it or use dictionary.com? I am appalled by that exposition that especially appears to be indicated at her, because this thread feels like an attack.
And you want to know something, what Len said is true, practically every role play on this site is fixated on Ryu, whether you're in it or not. And when you are in it, you always have to be the center of attention, and may I note not everyone can pay attention to you all at once. As well as not everyone has to pay attention to you at all. Sometimes, let other people have the spotlight, you're not the only one who gets to be special. And also, not everyone wants to be friends with Ryu; Shiro for example, as he is that type of character that isn't the type to want to be friends with people. It's the same thing as real life, not everyone is going to want to be your friend, and it's about time you actually consider thinking about real life and add it into your writing because writing originally came from real life since there was nothing more to write about except for reality until people began to romanticize, which doesn't mean fall in love or what not, it means to dream of and idealize in impractical things, such as how your character is attractive to everyone, or how your character can survive after being squashed by a giant bolder, or how in six years, your character can develop an hour glass body when she doesn't even have enough fat on her body to start her period regularly and grow boobs.
Honestly though, Ryu was fine, until you kept switching her up to try and make her seem more attractive. But did you know that when you try too hard, that makes you seem a lot less attractive? Like, trying to stick onto a man that's nine years older than you or something? Or like trying to sleep with a man who you consider a "father figure"? Or trying to be friends with everyone in the world.
And when you think no one likes you or nobody likes Ryu, you make a pity post giving a, practically, speech about Ryu's sob story past or how she's so different from everyone or nobody likes her or everyone thinks she's annoying and the like! A lot like this one!
The reason why I feel offended is because you honestly don't have the right to get sad or mad about us when it is your own fault taking our constructive, as well as patient, criticism lightly. It is clearly evident that you are also upset with us, which you can, but you honestly don't have the right. If you sincerely apologize for your immaturity and writing style, I better see some characteristic growth in Ryu and yourself! And I do not mean a nicely and perfectly developed body. I want a mature character, a good one, pitiful characters annoy the shit out of me. You can have Ryu with the same background the same personality and the same attitude, except less like a Mary Sue, and can still have a mature character. The Ryu you keep bringing up is a childish and underdeveloped one. Characters who are children can be mature characters too, that doesn't mean that they know things that people normally their age don't know, it just means that they're a realistic character than can realistically live. Get your act together and grow up and give me a REAL character to role play with, only then will I actually consider professionally and maturely role play with you and honestly have a little fun with it.
I honestly am not that great either. I have quite a few sues that I need to fix up too, especially Sana and a few others. And Shigeru, it's obvious that not all of the ladies in the world are going to swoon over him, evidently in Survival Island thingy majigger as Luka was quite assertive in her 'no's and not all of the girls on the island were attracted to him either. And when they're plainly not attractive to that certain character, play along with it or let it go, or use it to create a mature and entertaining scene. <3 The way Haku did and she made me laugh too, that's when you know you can have fun. But if you try to emphasize yourself, that's trying to hard.
Perhaps the point is, don't try too hard but give us your effort. (Or really, emphasize the main points, not the little things. Little things are supposed to help the big things, big things aren't supposed to help little things.) It's like an ant colony, everyone's helping each other for the good of the colony. Let's help each other have fun and create a wonderful role play, and actually...finish it for reals....
I believe that writing makes you a better person, and if you really do like writing, I'll advise to you that is you can fix your writing and if you can make yourself a better writer, you can make yourself a better person. Don't settle for less, there's always more, but don't be greedy.
I said what I had to say, take it or leave it.)
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Post by Chloe on Dec 12, 2011 20:28:56 GMT -5
AEIRWEN MARRY ME))
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Post by ai-shi-te on Dec 12, 2011 20:30:53 GMT -5
(All you have to do is get me a platinum ring adorned with a diamond from Africa and imprint that you're mine forever.)
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The Uber Kawaii Dzetsu loljk
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Post by The Uber Kawaii Dzetsu loljk on Dec 12, 2011 21:15:58 GMT -5
Sorry, honey. There was a comma splice in the sentence, "Oh and while typing this I read Dzetsu's Grammar and Sotry wrting thing, are there any Comma splices my dear?" And really, I don't care anymore. Comma splices make me pull my hair out, but only figuratively, so I'm not seriously losing hair. I got over it already.
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Kawaii Dzetsu loljk
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Post by Kawaii Dzetsu loljk on Dec 12, 2011 21:17:09 GMT -5
Sorry, honey. There was a comma splice in the sentence, "Oh and while typing this I read Dzetsu's Grammar and Sotry wrting thing, are there any Comma splices my dear?" And really, I don't care anymore. Comma splices make me pull my hair out, but only figuratively, so I'm not seriously losing hair. I got over it already.
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Post by Dzetsu again on Dec 12, 2011 21:21:11 GMT -5
Damn Proboards told me it didn't post. *shakes head* Sorry for the double post.
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Post by ★D3su-Face★ on Dec 12, 2011 21:28:06 GMT -5
[]
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Post by Chloe on Dec 12, 2011 21:28:51 GMT -5
((I'LL GET YOU 4.... YEAH))
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Post by ai-shi-te on Dec 12, 2011 21:44:43 GMT -5
(First one to do it gets a kiss. <3 But anyways, this is Ryu's thread, let's see what she does with it.)
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Post by lyme on Dec 12, 2011 22:44:19 GMT -5
((W-e-e-e-ll.. I must say, good job on the writing, Ryu! You worked hard, hopefully, and it was the best I'd see from you. Although I wouldn't call red(lol couldn't help make it look more interesting to read) eyes PLAIN, whatev. Good job!
Um.. your post was obviously complaing about all we said, and we're sorry about that, I think. Although the Mary Sue thing wasn't really us just insulting her, we were, you know... Trying to help. We didn't mean to bash..we were telling the truth.
Um, I already stopped with the yelling at you of your character. (Horrible grammar in that sentence. Sorry, lol) So.. you're yelling at us all, but.. I'm pretty sure that DesuFace, KitKat, and I don't really say much anymore. So NO friends it exaggerating. ENOUGH OF MY SELFISH BANTER.
So uh, I already made Taito get used to her and like her, so Ryu ain't lonely. Ryosuke even loved her first thing. But, NOPE. You actually pushed them AWAY. While my sister slaved over writing three paragraphs of how much Ryosuke liked Ryu, you answered with a lazy one sentence. Sure sounds like you want to talk to darling Ryosuke, right? [glow=red,2,300]WROOOONG.[/glow]
You remind me of my friend. She says she's lonely, but that's because she ignores the people who DO pay attention to her.
So what if Shiro and Shigeru don't like her? That's just part of the story. Things can't be ALL easy, or else it'd get boring.
NOW THAT'S ENOUGH OF MY ANNOYING ASS YELLING.
Okay, so now we move on to you being the main character. I DID notice that you wanted to be the main character of a lot of things. I didn't really mind though, so don't go thinking that we're mad about that.
(In fact, I dislike being the protagonist. Being a side character is what I do. Even my sister complains that I always make her the main character when we roleplay together. ><)
The ONLY problems I have with Ryu being the super center of all the stories is the fact that I'm worried about letting other people have a chance(not me, lol) AND that you happen to kill the story.
If you want to the star of the story FINE BY ME. BUUUUUT. BIG BUT. You are also taking the responsibility of keeping the thread alive. If you want to be the protagonist, you also want to be the heart that beats the blood throughout.
Don't go shove in one sentence posts and stop updating. NO. YOU TOOK THE RESPONSIBILITY. You gotta make sure the story moves along and ends nicely AAAAAAAAAND you have to KEEP UPDATING.
Otherwise, you're like a bacteriophage with the threads being the bacteria. You inject your character in, utilize the cell to make it work for you, THEN DITCH IT. YOU DITCH IT. YOU LEAVE IT TO WITHER AND DIE.
Yep. [glow=red,2,300]IF YOU WANNA BE THE MAIN CHARACTER, STICK THE VERY END!!![/glow] EVEN if things don't go your way. That's supposed to be life. THat's supposed to be a nice problem that HELPS you develop your character.
Oh, and it's not like I had anything against your writing style, I just didn't like how you spend the entire time focused on your character's awesomeness and NOT THE STORY.
I'm a pretty inexperience roleplayer(this site has been my first time EVER.), but I enjoy roleplaying for the story. And sometimes, I DO like your posts. That's why I put so many threads. So I can read what you do next.
NOOOOOOOOOOW. I'll just finish with my main point.
[glow=red,2,300]IF YOU WANNA BE THE MAIN CHARACTER, STICK WITH YOUR ROLEPLAY AND FIGHT TO THE FINISH!!!! STRIKE HARD AND GET THAT STORY MOOOOVING. WE WANT INTERESTING STUFF TO KEEP US BUSY. THAT'S WHY WE ROLEPLAY, BUDDY! I'M CHEERING YOU ONNNN!![/glow]
P.S. We only criticized you in the first place because we cared and wanted to help you improve. Like Haku. We told her what she could do, and she improved lots. <3))
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Post by ai-shi-te on Dec 13, 2011 0:56:01 GMT -5
(I'll honestly saw though, I was supprised by the writing because it was a lot different and better than your usual.)
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Post by Chloe on Dec 13, 2011 0:58:09 GMT -5
2nd page ... OWO
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