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Post by Kagamine Rose on Jul 11, 2011 23:11:57 GMT -5
Ryu was tired. She had to pay her bills. Even if she lived on an abandone street. She had to pay rent. Which was horrible. The police and stuff agreed to let her get a job. A suitable job for her. Which probably was uh well she didn't know. All she knew was that she had to look presentable.
She smiled and took a long shower. She put on a short sleevenwhite button down. She also had on a black tie.She sighed and decided to wear pants.So he put on a pair of black pants. She smiled and slipped on her sneakers. She sighed and tied her hair into a pony tail.She looked like a boy now.
Ryu sighed and walked out her house and locked the door. She walked down the street looking for good places to get a job. She may be 13 but she was really mature. Some wanted people. But they looked to easy and had low pay. Ryu needed to feed herself and pay rent and bills.
Of course she had it tough. She was an orphan. She had to take care of herself. She had no problem with that at all.She sighed. She was having alot of trouble finding a job. Soon she came across a building. She smiled. It had a dencent pay. She smiled and walked inside. Not knowing Dell had an appointment for a job here also.
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Post by dzetsu on Jul 18, 2011 0:29:41 GMT -5
(Um.... I have a question... Wouldn't the police "and stuff" actually send her to a foster family? If you are underage and you have no parents, then they would let you live with a family who is willing to adopt you.
In addition, an abandoned building is no longer owned by a landlord. Therefore, she is not a tenant and would not have to pay rent. Ergo, she won't have heating and water and therefore there would be no bills either.
Also, your last paragraph is slightly confusing. "Soon she came across a building. She smiled. It had a dencent pay." First off, you should spell check, and secondly, when you search for a job, there is no way of telling what your pay will be when you see the building. You failed to mention if there was even a hiring sign, and if there wasn't, then the ad should have been in a newspaper, online, or in a magazine.
Actually, I don't even know how she knows what the job IS. Is it a professional building? A fast food restaurant? You never described it, so none of your readers even know. In fact, how did she even know whether or not they are hiring?
Why would the entire street be abandoned anyway? Generally it's simply one building that become abandoned. If it's a street, than they would have knocked down the buildings already to make room for something useful. This is busy Tokyo after all.
Finally, she doesn't even have a resume... And once again, spell check. Please. At least proofread your own work.)
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Post by Kagamine Rose on Jul 18, 2011 6:42:58 GMT -5
((Alright...thankss for the advice...I will take this down and make something better...Alright...Then will you all be happy...Also I am not the best rplayer. Bye...))
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Post by dzetsu on Jul 18, 2011 17:54:54 GMT -5
It's not like we think you're a bad roleplayer (RIGHT GUYS??), but I just believe more hard work should be put in at least when you begin to start writing so that people can understand what is going on. In addition, more description means that the other person can have an easier time when they attempt to reply.
It's good if you can understand that we're trying to help you improve as a writer. If you take our constructive criticism and use it, than it will be advantageous when you write stories or essays in school.
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Post by ai-shi-te on Jul 18, 2011 18:40:46 GMT -5
Well, I can't say that you're a bad roleplayer, because I've never roleplayed with you before, but when I read your posts, there's a lack of realism and perhaps even knowledge.
I think that the most important thing a roleplayer needs is not to post every single day or time but knowledge. Sure you don't have to know everything there is in the world but roleplayers are writers and writers are researchers. Even if you're not a professional writer, roleplayers are amateur writers, and even roleplaying needs research and knowledge, not something random like a thirteen year old getting a job.
In Japan and even America, you can't get a job when you're 13, it goes against child labor laws. The government, child care associations, and so on aren't going to let a thirteen year old live by themselves, they're put into adoption and/or put into a group home.
You can't just come across a building and expect a job right away, you need a resume, and of course your age number needs to go up a little more. And you can't tell what job has a decent pay just by walking into a building, and even minimum wage isn't decent pay to even be living by yourself in a house that you have to pay electricity and water and so on for, even if the landowner is gone. But if the landlord is gone, you can't live there anyways. But anyways, you pay the landlord for your shelter and what not and the landlord will pay the electricity and water bills, unless you go over the limit on electricity and water.
When you write, I see a whole bunch of holes and errors and stuff. For example: (copy and paste) "She sighed and decided to wear pants.So he put on a pair of black pants." I would think you would mean that "She sighed and decided to wear a pair of black pants." As it is already obviously that she's going to wear pants if she decided. As well as spacing and I think you meant to call her a "she" instead of a "he".
When I read what you write, there's no details that it looks like an summary with lack of important details rather than roleplaying. Roleplaying is writing a story, a story includes good and clean sentences along with details so that readers can at least understand what's going on and perhaps even visually see it happening. Lack of details like she came across a building that had decent pay that hired her makes us not know where she is or where she's working or what kind of job she has. And because you don't really know things for sure, it's always nice to research things before posting them because that's what writers do. We research.
Like...you can't know who Taito is just because someone talks about him, you ask who he is, that's part of research. You go listen to him sing, that's part of research. You google him, that's part of research too, so yeah, research is the most important thing that writers can do.
And also, on the reality part, you have to think about yourself too. A lot of writers base characters on themselves, even if just a little bit. So think about yourself, are you superman/supergirl? Can you live or even stand after being hit down and run over by a car/truck? Do you think you can fare in a gun fight? Sometimes thinking that Mary Sues and Gary Stues are cool may influence you to want to have a character who can do anything and practically everything, but if you really think of it, that's not cool. Sorry, but it's the truth. It pisses people off and if you were in that situation where someone else's character can do anything and practically everything, you might get pissed off too because you can't win over them. Every character needs a weakness or some weaknesses, not just strengths. Too much of one thing isn't good for you.
So I'm not saying you're a bad roleplayer, I just think you lack realism, understanding and maturity.
Even so, I'm not saying that I'm a very good roleplayer either. I'm just saying, really, but I'm not trying to be an asshole, so, I hope that you don't misunderstand me.
Yeah, and I know I have a lot of errors in this post, but I just don't really care right now because I'm too lazy to read what I just typed.
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Post by Megurine Luki on Jul 19, 2011 15:21:35 GMT -5
[Aeirwen, I love you. Js.]
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Post by ai-shi-te on Jul 19, 2011 16:19:23 GMT -5
I love you too, Luki. <3
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